here at last…

two years in the making, but it is finally here. thanks to all who encouraged me. send me an email if you want to buy a copy.

A bit of pulp as albumsmal inspiration…

Jon Sells His Gun
(Love, I Suppose)

Jon didn’t know he would die that day. Neither did he know that as he sat in the Ammo Shoppe parking lot his wife was crying with another man. Neither of these things would have changed his mind though. Jon had come to sell his gun by advice of a doe in a dream, for absolution and to save his marriage.

Jon realized over previous weeks and months, and especially during an ugly fight the night before, that he was not who his wife wanted to be with. He didn’t particularly like looking himself in the mirror either.  He left the house the after the fight, screeching out of the driveway in his 95 Ford pickup and drove six circular hours until the sun came up. He pulled off the highway, watched it rise over the hills and disappear over the roof of his truck, and fell asleep.
As ice gathered on the body and windows of the truck Jon’s head fell back and he dreamed. A doe came to him from behind a pine tree and told him to sell his gun to Charlie at The Ammo Shoppe and go home and reclaim his wife. The doe told him this was his last shot. She said Jon had already missed too many chances. Jon knew it was true. He kneeled before the doe and promised to sell his gun as he crossed himself.
The passing of a semi startled Jon awake. He watched the fog of his breath nine times and he turned the ignition and pulled onto the highway. The clock on his radio read 9:17. He decided to get some breakfast and head to The Ammo Shoppe as soon as it opened.
The highway side Waffle House was empty aside from a waitress and a cook. The waitress pulled gum out of her mouth with her thumb and index finger and struggled at throwing it into the trashcan. Jon sat at the bar and she poured him coffee and dropped off some tiny sealed cream cups. He opened one and added it to his sugared cup and asked for two buttermilk waffles and a side of hashed browns scattered smothered and covered. As she yelled the order to the cook two and a half feet behind her, Jon looked into his coffee trying to read tealeaves. He decided that the cup held no answers and starred into the steam rising from the grill. There were no answers there either, but it helped him work up an appetite, and he was ready to eat by the time the waitress put the plates down in front of him and refilled his cup.
Jon cursed with his lips as his coffee/sugar/cream ratio now leaned far too far to the side of coffee. He would have to use less sugar now and some small portion of another cream cup. He decided to focus on the food and let the coffee sit until he figured out what to do about fixing it. Only a day before he would have cussed out the two employees and demanded a free meal. Jon sighed. He let the syrup soak into his waffles for a minute and scooped the hashed browns down in only a few bites.

The fight the night before had been their worst. They’d never cursed each other before. She actually told him she wished his hair would fall out and his skin wrinkle before its time. She said he would shoot himself while cleaning his devil gun. She was never really good with words. He cursed her uterus and told her God wouldn’t let her have children because she was more concerned with US Weekly than any number of pertinent national news. After all, how could she take care of a child with her nose in those magazines all the time?
Neither one of them believed what they were saying. They both felt like failures all over and were just trying to get the other one to say that it would be okay…to say that everything would be okay…the money would come in…that they were loved and safe and okay…they weren’t as bad off as everyone warned they would be. Jon realized it when he woke up freezing in his truck. Mary had not yet.

A few minutes or hours passed after Jon left and Mary got up from the hallway floor to get a box of tissues. She wiped her face, neck and chest and let the water run in the bathroom sink. She looked at herself and found that her hair was a wreck and her clothes were wrinkled. She ran the tap in the tub and went to the kitchen for the phone. She knew the first five numbers, but couldn’t remember the last two. She found the post-it note from her bag and finished dialing. “Hi, Larry? Its me…yeah I’m all right, I mean no…I just…could you come over?” Her hands were shaking and her face and chest felt on fire. “Well then as soon as you can. We can call in tomorrow.”

Mary and Larry worked together at the shipping facility of the largest desk chair manufacturer in the state. Mary was newly appointed to the position of Chief Assistant Product Assembly Manager. She wasn’t really sure what that meant except that she was making more money and didn’t feel so dependant on Jon. That made her feel good. Larry made her feel good too. He made her laugh and he thought she was funny too. Larry thought she was good at her job and asked for her opinion even though he was her supervisor.
Larry worried about Mary. She never told him what Jon did to her, but he knew Jon had a gun. He noticed when Mary came in with extra makeup on or walked with a limp. He knew a day would come when she would call for him. He was not an exceptionally chivalrous or brave man, but he stood by and waited for her to call out.
They often took lunch together and were surprised nearly everyday in mid conversation when they would look at the wall clock of the break room and see that it was time to start shipping chairs again. They never touched, not even to shake hands.

Mary knew that’s why her hands were shaking as she hung up the phone. She wanted to touch Larry and to be touched by him. She turned off the tap, took off her clothes, and sat in the tub trying to wash her life until that moment from her body.

Jon ripped the parking brake on as he pulled into a stall in front of The Ammo Shoppe. It was in a new strip mall on the outskirts of town and his was the only car not in front of the grocery store. Jon pulled his gun out from under the driver’s seat and held its cool body in his huge hands. He prayed his anger into the gun. He possessed it with everything he wanted to leave from inside himself. Charlie didn’t understand why Jon was selling his gun back, but he gave him $45.00 dollars for it and told him that he would keep it in the office when he changed his mind and wanted it back.
Jon immediately began visioning the rest of his day. He would go to work like normal, but tonight would not be normal. He would bring flowers. He would say he was sorry. He would take her out to dinner at The Steak Pit. He would tell her he’d sold his gun, and left his anger in it.

Larry knocked on the door and waited. He shuffled back and forth on the porch with his hands in his pockets. He felt like a child king, not knowing what to do with the power being bestowed upon him. In one movement Mary opened the door and Larry held her in his arms. They closed the door and kissed for the first time. Trembling and tearing and tripping they went to the bedroom.

Jon couldn’t get any work done at the office. He shuffled papers and moved piles until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He called The Steak Pit and made reservations for seven o’clock. He called the flower shop and made sure the delivery would get there before he did. He didn’t know what to put on the note. He asked the woman to draw a heart for him on the card. Jon called a hotel at the nearest ski resort and booked a room for the weekend. Mary had always wanted to go away for the weekend, but Jon had never wanted to. Well, things were different now. Jon was consumed with Mary again. It was like it was 15 years before.

Mary and Larry lie in bed letting the afternoon sun expose skin rarely exposed. Larry dozed in and out of euphoric sleep, while Mary wrestled with her thoughts out loud. “If Jon finds out about this he will kill us both Larry.”
“I won’t let that happen Mary.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Mary rolled over and propped herself up on her elbow.
“Nothing” Larry searched for something to look at, “I am going to the store. What do you want for dinner?” Larry asked staring at the ceiling.
“Dinner?” Mary laughed and lay back on the bed trying to figure out what Larry was seeing in the ceiling.
“It’s you and me now babe.” now Larry rolled over her looking into her eyes. “Just you and me. You said yourself you don’t think he’ll be back for while.” Larry was giving a speech he had practiced in his bathroom mirror for months.
Mary’s stomach turned, but she didn’t know why. “Yeah” she was trying to act normal, “get some steak for tonight. Get some wine too.”
“You got it Mary. I’ll be back in a flash.”
Mary rolled away from the door and closed her eyes. She wouldn’t let Larry see her cry. She heard him pull away and she sobbed until she drifted off into sleep. She dreamt of darkness and violent flashes of light, ticking and scratching. She awoke to the sound of a key turning the lock to the front door…she hadn’t given Larry a key. Mary leapt out of bed and ran for the bathroom.

Larry pulled his Saturn up to The Ammo Shoppe. His mind was singularly focused. He talked to the boy behind the counter. The boy considered Larry’s words for a second and told him to wait as he left for the office.

Jon found the flower delivery on the front porch. How had Marry not seen it on her way in? He picked them up and unlocked the door. He sat the flowers down on the kitchen table. There was no mail. He knew Mary had stayed home all day. He heard the shower running. Jon went out to get the mail and came back to the bedroom. The bed was still unmade. Something smelled. The shower turned off.

Mary sat on the toilet rocking back and forth while the water ran in the shower. There were no more tears. There was only fear. She couldn’t tell Jon anything. He wouldn’t understand, she didn’t know what he would do. She thought about his gun. She prayed he wouldn’t use it when Larry came in. Larry. She had to get Jon out of the house.

“Mary?” Jon whispered through the bathroom door.
No response.
“Mary? It’s me baby. I’m sorry…I’m an ape…we need to talk. Mary? I sold my gun. I’m so sorry baby. Something really happened to me last night. I’m different. I want to take you out tonight. I made reservations at The Steak Pit. Baby?” Jon’s heart was racing. “Mary? Open the door please.”
Jon heard a click in the hallway.

Mary couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Jon was serious. She could tell. He’d sold his gun. He wanted to take her out to dinner. She stood up and walked to the door. She put both hands up to it and leaned against it. She heard the click too. Larry…

Larry pulled up to the house and saw Jon’s car. He loaded the gun in the driveway. The door was unlocked and he went in as quietly as he could. He didn’t notice the flowers on the table. He thought he heard crying coming from the bedroom. He crept down the hallway listening as hard as he could. All he could hear was his heart pounding in his chest. Had Jon already killed her?

“Mary is there somebody here?” Jon mumbled.

“Larry no!” Mary screamed through the bathroom door.

Larry heard the screaming. He cocked the gun and pointed it straight out from his chest as he ran to the bedroom.

Mary opened the door as the gun exploded.

Fire ran through Jon’s gut as he slid against the wall to the floor. He grabbed his stomach.

Larry was frozen. The first time he had ever fired a gun he’d killed a man. He began to black out and reaching down with the gun sat on the bed. He tried to think of how they would get rid of the body.

Mary fell on top of Jon and silently screamed. Tears fell from her eyes and saliva from her mouth. She squeezed his head to her chest and rocked him.

Jon realized the doe lied to him. He’d sold his gun and she’d still left him. He’d missed all his chances and he thought it fair. As his vision spiraled to the center he knew he wanted nothing.

Mary lifted Jon’s head. He was gone, but he had a stupid smile on his face. She pulled down the corner of his mouth and asked Larry to leave.